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About the time the Earth cooled, there was a writer named Judith Krantz, who introduced a kind of book that came to be known as "shop-and-fool around". Actually, we weren't nearly so delicate as to say "fool around," but I'm going to here, to preserve decorum online. Those books were a lot of fun, guilty pleasures for those who are prone to literary guilt (I personally am not). But you know what isn't fun? S&F for kids. Gossip Girl kind of books, books in which kids have no parents, drink and freak around at will, and wear clothes they buy for the cost of cars in Krantz's time. To be honest, it's not the drinking and sex that bothers me so much--I've been known to pen the odd spot of gritty realism myself--it's the relentless materialism. And the unconscionable parenting. Who lets their kid loose with a credit Barney's credit card and why?
This is not the only literary convention that makes my eyes glaze over, or my teeth clench in irritation. Here are my top five, in no particular order:
1. S&F FOR KIDS
2. THE 'SURPRISE!-I'M-DEAD' ENDING. I guess you could call it the ghost narrator. Listen, if you're dead, how can you be telling this story? Even Archy the cockroach had to bang his head on one key at a time to get the job done, so how does a sad mess of ectoplasm do it? It's plain disconcerting, and as much of a cheat as a deus ex machina. In fact, I guess it kind of is one.
3. THE SCIENCE FICTION GAY YARN. In this one, everybody's gay--the hero's clients, brother, sister, uncle, friends, even the homeless person he helps, as well as the victims of any murders (though not necessarily the villain), and half the cops. In real life, gays and lesbians comprise about 10 per cent of the population and though like tends to seek out like, I'm talking about books that go way beyond that--in fact that postulate a world in which straight people are the ten per centers. Kind of fun, I guess, if you're a fan of gay lit for itself, but if you read it for literary merit, ultimately dishonest. I guess I should I should mention I'm not homophobic, or how would I know this? You have to read gay lit to know what's in it. I'd rather read Sandra Scopettone or Greg Herren (neither of whom is guilty) than most writers. I just like my science fiction so labelled.
4. SERIAL KILLER BOOKS IN WHICH WE KNOW WHAT THE UNSUB IS THINKING. I don't care! In fact, I already know. I've been reading serial killer books all my life, and ground on this was broken early in my reading career. There's no new ground to break. These guys are all the same--evil, bad, crazy, nuts, insane, and much, much worse--insanely boring.
5. THE ALTERNATE UNIVERSE THAT ISN'T. We're living exactly as we actually do, Except For One Thing, the Thing that's the premise of the exercise. I don't mean magic, we all know magic is real, I certainly don't mean vampires, they're thick as mosquitoes in my neighborhood. I mean any preposterous thing that really could happen in a few years if things continue to go wrong, but hasn't yet. So here we are in 2010 with, say, a king instead of a president, an evil but genial ruler who orders dissidents murdered by day and by night guest stars on Jimmy Fallon. Or maybe live snuff shows have replaced baseball as the new national pastime. (The ultimate reality show, get it?) Not just clones being raised as organ donors, I'm down with that sort of thing--Something That Changes Everything. And why? For the convenience of an author who played a game of "what if" and lost. Listen, guys, show a little ambition--go out there and....you know...at least change the date or something.
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Here's another one, Julie: authors who manipulate you through terror, like many of Stephen King's books. Maybe I was unfortunate to read "Christine" while postpartum. I knew it was bulls**t, and yet it really scared me. I resent being jerked around emotionally. And I have to say, King is very good at what he does. I just don't like it.
ReplyDeleteI loved that you mentioned Archy... although I thought he jumped onto the keys? My mom introduced us to Archy and Mehitabel at a very young age, and we loved them as much as she did. I particularly enjoy "The Song of Mehitabel" (yes, there's a dance or two in the old dame yet!) and the one about the Egyptian mummy who's craving beer! Great stuff!
Love archy and mehitabel and believe that the two should be evoked in lower case, because, for those who have been keyboarding so long they don't remember, the old Underwood didn't have a caps lock for archy to dive on. I also suspect that Don Marquis loved to torture copy editors.
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree with you on POV of the UNSUB. Just for the hell of it, I tried to write a short story from the POV of a serial killer, and a weird thing happened, I had to let the killer live in my head, and it was downright scary. I abandoned the project, though it was hard to get that character out of my head, finally found a story that dissolved him into nothiness. Still years later when I read Hannibal, I understood the ending where Hannibal Lectors's old guard sitting in the balcony of an opera spies the serial killer below, and escapes into the night before Hannibal can react to his presence, with that careful warning from Tom Harris that one dare not get too close. I wondered if that was his was of saying he let himself get too close to Hannibal himself. I have never been ceased to be amazed at how real and sometimes how rudely imposing, characters become and how they inhabit the mindscape of even a dabbler in amateur fiction.
where have I read this before? Did you write it? Did you post it before?
ReplyDeleteoh wait, right, you wrote it, and it's been online and I read it. sorry, and I liked it both times!
ReplyDelete